Team was Footfault, Mays - back from losing election. (Allegedly) Bob 'hi de hi' Bridges ... good pairing those 2, luckily for us no ladies were playing on the night so we had FFP full concentration which helped them to 3 wins.

Easy game lobbing tennis ... 2nd Pair of Big Guns, Gillespie and Eyhhhh Caranza "do you lika my sandwiches with cucumber."... these 2 under performed due to Caranza going fishing, catching his balls in the net and his indecision to call balls out, much to the annoyance of Big John ... so they took 2 games which helps when they are the 3rd pairing. And finally Strings and Rear Admiral of the Fleet, who by the way was our leader on the night, which was quite apt with that name. Our nominalTed team Kapitan was missing as usual (bit like last year). Kapitan Statto thought it more fun to be running around in his Mclaren Robin Reliant in Orange...as you may have guessed it is because Stattos Jet2 orange sponsored tennis attire matches his car.

Anyway, we strolled the last pairing 9-2 9-2 9-7..Fleety wanted me to mention this so you all know how good he is????????. But I think it worth mentioning that he had a Kyrigos attack late in the last set at 4-7. He had a ballsmashingracketthrowinmouthwhingineyesrollinnfrothinatthelinejudgein moment. It took me a little time to entice him off the tennis hut with a banana and all was calm ... which an Admiral needs for him to get a great victory ... 8-1. Relegation avoided.

Lakeside are the strongest team in the league, they are holding up all the teams above them, losing heavily so far this season. Kapitan Statto (nominateTed) was not leading us again so Rear Admiral Fleet took over ... think the team won 9-0 ... not much to report, not sure who played ... but I can tell you I was at a wonderful bbq at the Edges on a glorious evening of steak and chicken meals ... plenty of wine and fine conversation with Freddie and Edie Green ... sunny sunset really made the evening. Anyway, M5 have now won 2 matches ... mid table stuff this. Anyone know where Kapitan D'Orange Tango'd Statto is, or if he even exists?

Home again for the 3rd time ... guess we don't travel well.

Just a note about the previous match, certain players have been found to be buying out of date Battenberg cake just because of the pretty coloured centres ... I would like to bring it to your attention that it should not contain furry blue streaks. We now have a cake war. Murray decided to bring a small carrot cake ... but not to be out done, Caranza came along with one that needed 2 of us to carry upstairs ... it did contain cucumber though, must be an Argentinian thing.

Anyway, the match looked a tough one. We finally had Kapitan Statto back, although we all had to listen to his "driving around the Yorkshire dales all morning and then forgot we should start the match at 2:30". Luckily, his Mclaren Robin Reliant can do 58 mph so he made it. More good news was that Pete Ward had managed to 'OBTAIN' some orange rail track overalls to match his RR (Robin reliant).

Game on... Statto and EyyyhhhCaranza set about the Ripley medium-ranked pairing and took a right stale pastry in the eye ... defeat ... unheard of in this squad ... what were you doing? 'took it to tie break twice', said Statto. Footfault, and Murray bumbled thru against the weakest pair, think Murray was thinking about Caranzas cake. And now Ex Admiral Rear of the Fleet and I had a real humdinger. Fleety Kyrigos moment came back at 4-7 again ... everyone was ducking and swerving as rackets bags and balls rattled around the courts. Fleety was fishing ... hitting so many shots in the net, even the trawler captains from Grimsby came to see his catch (pictures supplied) ... anyway, I calmed him down ... AGAIN and managed to bring him down safely from the central light column ...we won 9-7. 2-1 up ... Surely our Kapitan D 'Orange might win a match ... not a chance ... more tie break losses and bad Caranza line calls. Rear Admiral said he never won any last year. Statto was stomping about with us lot barracking him ... 2-2.

Big match. Murray and Footfault should beat Ripley no. 1 pair ... not a chance ... Murray went fishing. Footfault was leaning on the fence talking to the ladies on court 2 ... guess what we lost 2-3. Cometh the hour cometh the Rear Admiral ... eventually getting some shots in over the net ... against their 3rd pair. Anyway, I was thankful. Fleety told me he hadn't lost his serve ... mainly thanks to my volleys. 3-3.

All to play for. Surely Statto could for once forget about his car ... he had put cones around both car spaces on each side of it. Anyway, they won ... Murray and Footfault won easily and we hammered Ripley no. 1 pair after a couple of dodgy calling from both sides. Fleety winning all his service games. 6-3 great victory ...3 from 3, even without Bob hi de hi and Big bad John. What a squad! Mabbs had been dropped because of the Battenberggate scandal ... maybe use him again ...probably not. Finally a very hot and flustered Marilyn Monroe look-a-like pushed her way our of Caranza’s CAKE. The End

On a cloud filled sky the intrepid 5ths converged on Rolls Royce tennis club - a fine array of vehicles from vice Admiral fleets boy racer to the big Jags of Bob redcoat Bridges, the Mabbs Audio (Italian Audi), Murray big black something with a cheap badge and, of course, Statto our leader’s Robin Mclaren - when we travel, we travel in style. That is why I was picked up and not allowed there in my white van.

That covers the squad; well, nearly - super subs Jack and Jon turned up in case Statto was late. First sets looked a little bit tricky. Mabbs and Murray had a tight match but came through with an excellent victory ... funny thing was Mabbs was playing in his work clothes ... oh well ... not to be out done Murray wore his Underarmour overalls.

1-0 - Statto watched on with hands on hips (male version of Jen Thomas) whilst the extremely blushed face of Bob glowed in the dark ... running around like a mad March hare (well very little in his case). 2 men against 1 so we lost - 1-1.

Next, Rear Admiral (vice) took up the challenge and won all his service games - as usual - and we beat their 1st pair 9-7 - good game, good game - 2-1. RR looked better than the score shows so we toughened up ... well 4 of us did. We romped home 9-1 against M&M's 1st pair - they only won 9-7. So you can see where this is going - 3-1.

We strolled around the RR factory for an hour till the others finished, got back to see Statto’s hands had now moved from his hip to be holding his head ... in frustration ... lost again. Bob was pretty upset because he was wearing his new Butlin’s sports top ... colours that I would have thought Statto would wear.

3-2 ... M & M next ... come on you old codgers, brilliant, some really good dodgy calling got them through - 4-2. All seemed to be going to plan ... except that doesn't make a good story ... you lot bored of this yarn yet? Noro, M &M blew it wide open ... losing after making a fantastic comeback from 7- something to 7-7… weary and confused that they were still in it, they capitulated ... must be because of all the travelling to R R - 4-3.

Huhhhooohh. Statto was still static … Bob was running around him scraping the ball back ...looked like Indians riding around a turned over wagon train. Meanwhile V R A Fleet and I were 7-0 up - home and dry, but oh nooo! Fleety lost his serve ... the heavens darkened the birds stopped singing and trouble ... all of a sudden it's 7-6. At this point we did not know Our Kapitan was winning too, made him a little dizzy but maybe that was because he kept watching Bob circling him. We won 9-6 another Squad win. Bob Stattin won too - 6-3 and that is 4 wins in 4. M &M won 2 sets, Statto and Bob won 1, but … here it comes ... we won all 3. Thanks for lift Fleety and all the beer I could drink.????

Another home game next and it is a massive, massive match ... to see who wins Master Chef Cake off ... forget the tennis. Murray is hoping small and classy cakes can outdo Roberto’s full fat cream, jam and Siberian cucumber cake in a 3 metre circular cake tin.

Mabbs shot off early from pub to muster from the out of date supermarket cages a mixture of poor quality dry cake of varying colours. Rub those hands together and grab a taste ... or we give it the bar staff. Bye till the next thrilling adventure.

Is this a little over the top compared with "Duffield played CURC, we won 5-4 - well done!" Come on teams liven up the reports!

Top of the table clash, both teams having won all 4 of their previous matches but with Lakeside having a greater win to loss ratio.

The atmosphere was rather chilled even though it was a gorgeous sunny day. We found little conversation with the opposition or fun...which is a pity when so many teams have been great to play against this season. Anyway move on.

Warm up had Murray 'fisherman' Tait hitting what can only be described as a mortar looping pigeon missile serve which travelled from one end of the court into the greenhouse of no 37 Ecclesbourne lane ... luckily the door was open and no insurance claim was made, even though 6 cucumbers were damaged. (Roberto Caranza supplier, so he was very upset).

Maggie Smith partnered Murray so are known has M&M's (Mags is the hard crusty shell and Murray the soft centred one, sweet) ranked no1 pair. They started well with an expected loss against L/S no 2 pair ????. It was a very tightly fought match but no cookies.

Wardy and Linda Harrison showed how well they pair up and played well together to break down the opposition’s no. 3 pair, easy victory. Looked a great set though. Michelle and Stringer up next ... torrid time for us two against a pleasant lady and Dr Fiend. Blimey he could serve hard … scorching aces past us like missiles … we were in deep trouble, Michelle steadied the ship and we started to get back into the match. Dr F had a couple of Kyrigos moments (thought it was rear Admiral Fleet in disguise so he could get extra games in); well, we called a serve out which was contested in a very poor manner ... then he double faulted, 7-6 to us and the chap conceded the game because we cheated.

Whoops 2-1 to Mx3 ... things didn't get any better. The soft centred Murray leapt skywards for a smash on court 4 and wellied another looping pigeon missile into Ecclesbourne Brook ... bye bye new ball ... anyway somebody can now buy 2 balls in a Babolat tin for 86 pence ????????.

M & M beat the strong pairing from Lakeside and Michelle and I beat their 3rd pair, although we still had trouble keeping the score ... being unsettled by Mr Fiendish attitude. Linda and Peter steadied the team by winning a very important set, keeping the pressure off all of us to reach 4-2. The last 3 sets came our way for a brilliant 7-2 victory.

We really needed to win our last two matches to become champions so more hard fun work to be done. It is a good strong squad and deserves promotion for getting through some tough games, although our Captain did a bunk just in case we lost this one. Is she back yet?

Food was taken, but no conversation from the opposition, apart from Maggie’s friend from Lakeside. Washed up and then Murray Linda and I enjoyed a beer with the match fee money - yummy!